Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Haunted Heart

I am lost. I don’t know what to say, my heart is feeling something that I don’t know if I can quite express. You see – I don’t exactly know what I am feeling. It is a dark, sad feeling. A little lonely, I guess. But my heart, it is not sadly yearning over someone, over him. I cant put a face to this feeling. It is empty: like a pointless promise, a haunted house. Maybe that is what my heart has become, an empty space haunted by memory of pain.

They are fine, all of them, but me – not so much. Even when I have no one to be sad over, my heart still cries. Not all the time – but at moments like this. When I am alone, and cold, and weak. Moments where I need someone to care, or to make everything better. But nothing is better, I have been left to suffer alone. I saw him today with her. It didn’t make me feel like this, I have felt like this all week. It just made me realise how inconsiderate his actions were. There he is, happily living his life after he so sincerely destroyed mine. Well I wouldn’t say he destroyed my life, he just tore it apart for a little while. I was weak, and I was so vulnerable after what he did to me, after how he tore my world apart. It took a very long time for me to heal: to overcome the pain. But he never felt it.

He tore my world apart without thinking twice about the consequences, and even worse, without being affected in any way. He was able to go on living his life the way he would, like any other day – while I was left on the sidewalk, alone and fragile. It amazes me, the amount of people that see someone in such a fragile state and take full advantage of it.

I saw him with her. Back again. It is where he belongs. I can see that now. You see, I thought it was possible that he was the one for me. I genuinely thought I could love him, like no other could. But I was wrong. He is not the one for me, and she loves him more than I ever could imagine. They belong together, even though it is a messed up situation. True love, it lasts through any of it. True love is more important than pride, than safely, than security, than loyalty, than trust. These are things she may never have with him, but she will always have true love.

I crave it: true love. I crave that feeling, of absolutely losing all control and just getting lost in the rollercoaster of it all. I want to feel totally out of control again, but so happy. I miss that. I miss yearning someone’s touch, kiss, and grasping onto each graze ever so lightly. I miss waiting for someone. I miss my heart beating considerably out of rhythm, going crazy, after a single glance. The element of surprise.

Will I ever feel that way again? I hope so. Will I ever love again? Who is to say I even did love. I’m not sure I know if it was love, what I felt. Maybe it was just an insane obsession. I would have done anything for him. I was so blind to the truth – I would have given up everything for him. Was I just stupidly obsessed, or a girl crazily in love? Maybe love doesn’t really exist – it is just an extreme obsession.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Waiting In Limbo.

I’m not too sure how this happened to us. Everything was so perfect. We were perfect. You were perfect. Literally, in the in the turn of a minute, we came crumbling down.

I had never seen a love like ours in real life. It was the kind of love you only saw in the movies: the one that you really believed did not actually exist, but was just written in scripts and made up to sell motion pictures. The kind of love that changes your life: changes you. Both of us could not work out what we had done to be so lucky. So lucky to have found that one person who completes you. That one person who makes you a better person. That one person who is you. You are them. Both as one. It is the best feeling in the world, to be so sure of someone. To look into their eyes, and literally see your future. And God, when I looked into his striking blue eyes, so filled with passion, I could see through my own soul. That is how deeply we were connected. On our own, we were ordinary. But together, we were invincible. Perfect. Incredible. There were never fake smiles to show off to the world that faded into bitter silences behind closed doors. No. With us – what you saw is what you got. We shared a love so strong, it felt like we could conquer wars through it.

But what happens when one struggle triggers something in both people that brings out their worst? Seeing sides of each other that become the main source of one another’s pain. How does one moment turn the most beautiful unconquerable bond into the most bittersweet situation? Nobody said love was easy. But when you have had a taste of perfection, the hard times are exaggerated in your mind. The pain is more striking on your heart. The sadness is more tragic. It tears me apart to wonder if we will ever get back to that euphoric bond we shared, or is this whole situation a white wall tainted with a red streak of paint? People say love is worth fighting for. But is it not better to end the ordeal before all that remains are bad memories of pain and bitterness? To leave before everything good about the relationship goes up in smoke. I am not sure which is the right path to go: to leave remembering the man who was so perfect, or to stay and fight for a love that may be too tainted to repair. All I know is that my world is torn apart right now, and I am waiting in Limbo. I am waiting for a sign. I am waiting for love. I am heartbroken waiting in Limbo, but I am waiting for you.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Miss Nothing

This band has really surprised me. I have never really been one for "argghhh my life is so evil, I am such a rebel" moan moan people such as Taylor Momsen, but there is something I really dig about her. Her style, her music, her 'fuck you' attitude - it all works for her, and makes me want to see more and more of The Pretty Reckless. Right now I am loving them. I think her voice is so unique - kind of like a female version of The Kings Of Leon. Its hot!

I think this video is absolutely AMAZING. I love, love, love it! The art direction is unbelievable: the concept of the video, the colors, the way everything is positioned, what Taylor is wearing - everything. This is definitely one of the best music videos I have ever seen by far and I can't wait for Miss Nothing to make some more awesome, hot stuff!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Photoshoot using the idea of Redemption. The model is consumed by darkness while she faces the light because she is waiting to be redeemed.

Brighter Than Sunshine

The music pumped vivaciously, pulsating through my veins. Reaching every fragment of my body. Isn’t that the best feeling? When you just close your eyes, and without you even realising it, your whole body is moving to the rhythm of the beat. Your heart, your soul, sparked up like an electric shock. Your mind, filled with contentment. There I was, experiencing the music and the happiness. There he was, being the music and the happiness. When I opened my eyes and saw him – my heart stopped. He took my breath away. He was like a revolver. Shooting bullets of color and vivacity through the grey room. I had never seen someone enjoy each exact moment with such passion. Just looking at him, he made me feel alive.

The night I met him, I was so lost. Lost in my heart, lost in my life. So I lost myself in the music. But he found me. He found me. He brought me back to where I really belong. He brought my soul back to life. Now he is the music that I get lost in. He is the one who consumes my body, allowing my heart and my soul to feel the contentment with my eyes closed tightly. He is the one that pumps vivaciously through my body.

He came like a comet out of space, bursting and impacting my whole entire world, lighting it up brighter than the sun ever could.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Coffee, Or No Coffee?

Life. It is one of the most magical and most unpredictable things that no one will ever truly understand – no matter how many spirits they believe they can talk to. There are just so many layers to life. It is too complicated for anyone to see through. Whether you have just studied to become a genius chemical engineer like my insanely clever brother, or whether you are like me – completely lost and unsure of the direction you want to take during your journey on Earth. And what are the odds of having two people so different, yet so connected? Sometimes, actually most of the time, we will just never understand the way certain things were selected.

I will never understand why good people are hit with the emotional and physical disaster of cancer. Like a tsunami that hits your world, when you did nothing wrong. You were just there on the beach when the wave came over. Cancer is the same. You were just there living, when the doctors tell you that for no particular reason – your whole world is about to fall apart. What about the bad people who get away with murder. Literally. Why do they get to be set free? Many of us see this as unfair. “Life is unfair kiddo,” we are told. We don’t understand it, and so we just have to accept it.

I will never understand why this force of nature would give a child to the mother who leaves that baby girl in the downtown trash can as she takes her first breath of fresh air. Why are some people born into homes of luxury and love, while others are born into gangs? Natural born killers. What choice do they have, really?

I don’t know if I believe in fate, or destiny. I don’t know if I believe everything is a coincidence. I do know that I have recognised that the choices we make, no matter how tiny, can affect your whole life. If that young woman had just decided to not have her coffee this morning, she would have left ten minutes earlier for work. That out-of-control truck would have not hit her. She would have been alive. But she is not. She is stone cold dead. That is the result of her life: based on one choice. Coffee, or no coffee? This is how our whole life plays out. Each thing that happens is a result of the choices we make previously. Whether these choices are our destiny, or just pure coincidences? Well, that I am not too sure of.

This is what gets to most of us: the not knowing. We don’t know who we are, and we don’t know what we are supposed to be doing. We spend a crazy amount of time, at some point, trying to figure out what the purpose of life is. We go through phases of “I’m trying to find myself”. We waste time on trying to answer all these unanswered questions, that we simply miss out on the authentic magnificence of the mysteries of life. We try to understand the reason for everything that happens, that we don’t appreciate the beauty of the fact that it did happen. The boy who got stabbed, but met his soul mate in the hospital. The girl who was late for the bank by five minutes, and the bank ended up getting robbed. The child who never had one loving family and goes on to write a bestselling book where he meets his wife and has three beautiful children.

We can torture ourselves and question every single situation, asking “what if?” But that isn’t the way I want to go through life. No. I know my purpose in life: to experience it. And have I found myself? No, I haven’t. But that is what I find so beautiful about life. It is not about ‘finding yourself’. It is about ‘creating yourself!’ So I can fully experience life, and get the most out of it, appreciating all the decisions I made that led me to where I am. I am not sure what direction my life will take next, but I am sure that every single random decision I make will direct the way the path will flow. So ask yourself. “Coffee, or no coffee?”