I am lost. I don’t know what to say, my heart is feeling something that I don’t know if I can quite express. You see – I don’t exactly know what I am feeling. It is a dark, sad feeling. A little lonely, I guess. But my heart, it is not sadly yearning over someone, over him. I cant put a face to this feeling. It is empty: like a pointless promise, a haunted house. Maybe that is what my heart has become, an empty space haunted by memory of pain.
They are fine, all of them, but me – not so much. Even when I have no one to be sad over, my heart still cries. Not all the time – but at moments like this. When I am alone, and cold, and weak. Moments where I need someone to care, or to make everything better. But nothing is better, I have been left to suffer alone. I saw him today with her. It didn’t make me feel like this, I have felt like this all week. It just made me realise how inconsiderate his actions were. There he is, happily living his life after he so sincerely destroyed mine. Well I wouldn’t say he destroyed my life, he just tore it apart for a little while. I was weak, and I was so vulnerable after what he did to me, after how he tore my world apart. It took a very long time for me to heal: to overcome the pain. But he never felt it.
He tore my world apart without thinking twice about the consequences, and even worse, without being affected in any way. He was able to go on living his life the way he would, like any other day – while I was left on the sidewalk, alone and fragile. It amazes me, the amount of people that see someone in such a fragile state and take full advantage of it.
I saw him with her. Back again. It is where he belongs. I can see that now. You see, I thought it was possible that he was the one for me. I genuinely thought I could love him, like no other could. But I was wrong. He is not the one for me, and she loves him more than I ever could imagine. They belong together, even though it is a messed up situation. True love, it lasts through any of it. True love is more important than pride, than safely, than security, than loyalty, than trust. These are things she may never have with him, but she will always have true love.
I crave it: true love. I crave that feeling, of absolutely losing all control and just getting lost in the rollercoaster of it all. I want to feel totally out of control again, but so happy. I miss that. I miss yearning someone’s touch, kiss, and grasping onto each graze ever so lightly. I miss waiting for someone. I miss my heart beating considerably out of rhythm, going crazy, after a single glance. The element of surprise.
Will I ever feel that way again? I hope so. Will I ever love again? Who is to say I even did love. I’m not sure I know if it was love, what I felt. Maybe it was just an insane obsession. I would have done anything for him. I was so blind to the truth – I would have given up everything for him. Was I just stupidly obsessed, or a girl crazily in love? Maybe love doesn’t really exist – it is just an extreme obsession.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
A Bitter Sweet Obsession
They say that you attract more bees with honey than with vinegar. I say, bullshit. You see, I have this tendency, like half of the other girls I know, to somehow attract these outrageously good actors: each capturing my heart with a different role played intensely well. Lines well learnt, facial expressions precise, and tone perfectly in sync. Any drama teacher would be proud, and audiences would give a standing ovation while exclaiming ‘Bravo!’ after the show these guys put on. I attract them, one after the other, each bringing something new to the game that catches me by surprise.
So why do I seem to be attracted to the vinegar instead of the honey? The honey tastes so sweet, and the vinegar, it leaves that sting of an after taste. We all admit we want the honey, that we are looking for something ‘sweet’ – but deep down I think many of us enjoy chasing after the vinegar. There is something so dramatic and exciting about wanting something you shouldn’t want, about feeling things you shouldn’t feel. It adds some adventure to our boring routine lives. It is like your heart unconsciously falls faster for a bad boy, because it wants to amplify your life a little. I have got to admit, no matter how many times I tell myself and my friends that I wish I could just find a good guy, I am addicted to the vinegar. It is out of my power. Like a bitter sweet obsession. You see, with a good guy, things run smoothly and everything is ‘oobla di oobla da’. With a bad boy, you are constantly kept in suspense of what his next move is: you want something that you can never really tame or have, and that’s what keeps you coming back.
One of the actors in the play of my life actually said to me: “please, you will always want me, you love that I’m a bad boy” (what an egotistical prick), but he was right. I couldn’t get enough of him – in fact, I was completely addicted to him. No one could understand why I was attracted to him in any tiny way – they honestly thought I had permanent Vodka goggles. He left me with a sting time and time again, but I kept going back. Each after taste stung more than the previous, but still – I couldn’t get enough. It was only after I strictly walked out of his life, that I realised he was never going to want me the way I wanted him, and that is where the game ended for me: because once you realise that no matter how obsessed you are with it, the vinegar is never going to give you the sweet taste of honey, you realise that you just can’t handle the stinging after taste for ever.
At the end of the day, you have to decide for yourself whether the vinegar is worth the sting. The honey may be boring, but isn’t the sweet after taste worth it? These actors are quick to capture us – but they are also quick to let on that it is all a show. So instead of waiting around to see how the show plays out, maybe you should walk out of the theatre. You are going to be saving yourself a lot of drama and heartache that way, instead of becoming addicted to him and the mysterious way he plays out. It is something I have realised for myself after many experiences with this bitter sweet obsession. An obsession I have come to realise that leaves too much of a sting. Until you realise that for yourself, let the show go on ;)
So why do I seem to be attracted to the vinegar instead of the honey? The honey tastes so sweet, and the vinegar, it leaves that sting of an after taste. We all admit we want the honey, that we are looking for something ‘sweet’ – but deep down I think many of us enjoy chasing after the vinegar. There is something so dramatic and exciting about wanting something you shouldn’t want, about feeling things you shouldn’t feel. It adds some adventure to our boring routine lives. It is like your heart unconsciously falls faster for a bad boy, because it wants to amplify your life a little. I have got to admit, no matter how many times I tell myself and my friends that I wish I could just find a good guy, I am addicted to the vinegar. It is out of my power. Like a bitter sweet obsession. You see, with a good guy, things run smoothly and everything is ‘oobla di oobla da’. With a bad boy, you are constantly kept in suspense of what his next move is: you want something that you can never really tame or have, and that’s what keeps you coming back.
One of the actors in the play of my life actually said to me: “please, you will always want me, you love that I’m a bad boy” (what an egotistical prick), but he was right. I couldn’t get enough of him – in fact, I was completely addicted to him. No one could understand why I was attracted to him in any tiny way – they honestly thought I had permanent Vodka goggles. He left me with a sting time and time again, but I kept going back. Each after taste stung more than the previous, but still – I couldn’t get enough. It was only after I strictly walked out of his life, that I realised he was never going to want me the way I wanted him, and that is where the game ended for me: because once you realise that no matter how obsessed you are with it, the vinegar is never going to give you the sweet taste of honey, you realise that you just can’t handle the stinging after taste for ever.
At the end of the day, you have to decide for yourself whether the vinegar is worth the sting. The honey may be boring, but isn’t the sweet after taste worth it? These actors are quick to capture us – but they are also quick to let on that it is all a show. So instead of waiting around to see how the show plays out, maybe you should walk out of the theatre. You are going to be saving yourself a lot of drama and heartache that way, instead of becoming addicted to him and the mysterious way he plays out. It is something I have realised for myself after many experiences with this bitter sweet obsession. An obsession I have come to realise that leaves too much of a sting. Until you realise that for yourself, let the show go on ;)
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