Thursday, May 27, 2010

Riding Between The Trucks

I have this fear. Well, I actually have two different fears that give me the exact same anxious and uncertain feeling. The first is when I am driving in the middle lane on the road – and on either side of me are big loud trucks. I always get so paranoid to drive up next to, or passed these trucks because it always feels like they are coming over into my lane. I know I will be fine, and I shake my uncertainties and drive ahead – but I get this anxious feeling that twists my stomach into knots as I get along with it. The second is, well, him.

When I am with him, I feel like I am riding between the trucks. He has this way of making me feel scared to drive ahead: like I am scared that I will be driven off the road. I get paranoid, and anxious, and a little crazy. I can’t help it – I wish I could. I wish I could just drive in the middle lane, and glide along at a decent pace, but as soon as I get near the two trucks I want to just speed up and get passed them – or more recently, just hit the brakes and get to a screeching halt. I can’t understand why I feel like this, all I do know is that this time – the fear and the paranoia have guided me to cause my own ‘accident’. This time – I am the one to blame for lying here right now hurt, and longing for one more. One more kiss, one more embrace, one more hello.

It is too late to go back and ignore this feeling I get: maybe it is for the better. Maybe it is my mind unconsciously saving me from a greater deal of hurt that might have come. I guess I won’t know though, the mistake has been made, and like most mistakes there is no going back and fixing it. So all I can do now is learn. I can learn to not let this ruin any future relationships. I can learn to listen to my heart, before I allow fear and paranoia take over my mind. I can learn to ride between the trucks: to trust, because after all, loving someone is giving them the ability to hurt you but trusting them not to.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A Bitter Sweet Obsession

They say that you attract more bees with honey than with vinegar. I say, bullshit. You see, I have this tendency, like half of the other girls I know, to somehow attract these outrageously good actors: each capturing my heart with a different role played intensely well. Lines well learnt, facial expressions precise, and tone perfectly in sync. Any drama teacher would be proud, and audiences would give a standing ovation while exclaiming ‘Bravo!’ after the show these guys put on. I attract them, one after the other, each bringing something new to the game that catches me by surprise.

So why do I seem to be attracted to the vinegar instead of the honey? The honey tastes so sweet, and the vinegar, it leaves that sting of an after taste. We all admit we want the honey, that we are looking for something ‘sweet’ – but deep down I think many of us enjoy chasing after the vinegar. There is something so dramatic and exciting about wanting something you shouldn’t want, about feeling things you shouldn’t feel. It adds some adventure to our boring routine lives. It is like your heart unconsciously falls faster for a bad boy, because it wants to amplify your life a little. I have got to admit, no matter how many times I tell myself and my friends that I wish I could just find a good guy, I am addicted to the vinegar. It is out of my power. Like a bitter sweet obsession. You see, with a good guy, things run smoothly and everything is ‘oobla di oobla da’. With a bad boy, you are constantly kept in suspense of what his next move is: you want something that you can never really tame or have, and that’s what keeps you coming back.

One of the actors in the play of my life actually said to me: “please, you will always want me, you love that I’m a bad boy” (what an egotistical prick), but he was right. I couldn’t get enough of him – in fact, I was completely addicted to him. No one could understand why I was attracted to him in any tiny way – they honestly thought I had permanent Vodka goggles. He left me with a sting time and time again, but I kept going back. Each after taste stung more than the previous, but still – I couldn’t get enough. It was only after I strictly walked out of his life, that I realised he was never going to want me the way I wanted him, and that is where the game ended for me: because once you realise that no matter how obsessed you are with it, the vinegar is never going to give you the sweet taste of honey, you realise that you just can’t handle the stinging after taste for ever.

At the end of the day, you have to decide for yourself whether the vinegar is worth the sting. The honey may be boring, but isn’t the sweet after taste worth it? These actors are quick to capture us – but they are also quick to let on that it is all a show. So instead of waiting around to see how the show plays out, maybe you should walk out of the theatre. You are going to be saving yourself a lot of drama and heartache that way, instead of becoming addicted to him and the mysterious way he plays out. It is something I have realised for myself after many experiences with this bitter sweet obsession. An obsession I have come to realise that leaves too much of a sting. Until you realise that for yourself, let the show go on ;)