Tuesday, June 29, 2010

A Memory On Every Corner

There will always be that one person you don’t want to forget – that one person you have to let go of, even though every bone in your body wants them. Tonight reminds me of him. The cold air hitting me as I gaze among the stars that seem extra bright make me remember him. I remember him, and I remember feeling warm when I was with him, even though the night was cold. It was cold, but not lonely. He is the type of guy that you don’t find very often. The type of guy that you fall for – but not because of his perfection. No, you fall for him because of his flaws. They seem to be so well suited to him, making him who he is, and you could not imagine him any other way. All the imperfections come together to create someone so perfect for you. It is kind of beautiful, really, how putting the flaws together creates something so perfect.

I knew it would never work out between us, there were always the past ghosts from both our sides as well as the inconvenience of distance – so letting go the first time wasn’t just an option, but rather a formality. But now: now when I come here, to this place where the sound of his husky voice could turn my whole world upside down in a good way, I remember him. It is hard not to. There is a memory in every single corner. Every few steps remind me of something he said or did in that exact position. I remember him, and I remember us, and I don’t want to forget it. I don’t want to forget the time we sat on the beach drinking and talking for hours under the cerulean sky. I don’t want to forget the way he made me smile when just moments ago it felt like everything was falling apart. I don’t want to forget the tears he had in his eyes when it was time to say goodbye. As hard as it is to remember, and knowing it is gone, I don’t want to forget. But I guess with a memory on every corner, forgetting is the last thing I will ever do.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Man Who Taught Me Why The Sky Is Blue

It is usually the people that you never expect to even like, that you fall for the hardest. They seem to surprise you, making you see them in a whole new light. Whether it is a small gesture like leaving a rose on the seat for you on the first date, or getting to know that person and falling for how sexy it is that they are so passionate about flying – they have done something to change your mind and give them a second glance. It is like one day you are rolling your eyes every time you get a message from them, and the next day you could think of nowhere better to be than sitting together telling stories behind all your scars: physical, and emotional. Those types of falls are the best: they are unexpected, new, and leave you yearning for the next unforeseen step. It is like experiencing the uncovering of a mystery. But just as there are certain people you never expected to fall for, there are certain people you never expected to be hurt by.

You see, as beautiful as the unexpected can be when beginning something wonderful, it can also break your heart when things unexpectedly end badly. He taught me something new every day. He taught me about flying, about the stars, about Rod Stewart. And while he taught me why the sky is blue, he also showed me how to turn my sky grey. Now I wish I could go back – I would ask him to teach me how to slow my heart beat down, instead of listening to his beating fast. I would ask him to teach me how to keep my head up high and never look back. Now, if I could go back, I would ask him to teach me the signs of false promises, false care, and false intentions. He taught me how to care deeply for him, but he never taught me how to stop.

It is clear to see that the blame is on me in so many ways: I fell for someone who was never really mine. While I gave him care, he gave me the intention to care, and that – that is not enough. So I walked away, and he turned his back: and we are moving on. Him, more so than me. I am still walking alone, but I am walking towards happiness. And while I walk away, I can walk away knowing that this man has left an imprint in my life: this man who has taught me why the sky is blue. I may not ever lie in bed all Saturday morning with him, listening to Rod Stewart again – but now I can listen to Rod Stewart and while relating to his songs, feel less heartbroken each day. “I couldn't have tried anymore/you made a first-class fool out of me/but I'm as blind as a fool can be/you stole my heart and that’s what really hurts/I wish I'd never seen your face/I'll get on back home one of these days.” And just there, in that last line, I see my hope: I will get back home, one of these days.