I have this fear. Well, I actually have two different fears that give me the exact same anxious and uncertain feeling. The first is when I am driving in the middle lane on the road – and on either side of me are big loud trucks. I always get so paranoid to drive up next to, or passed these trucks because it always feels like they are coming over into my lane. I know I will be fine, and I shake my uncertainties and drive ahead – but I get this anxious feeling that twists my stomach into knots as I get along with it. The second is, well, him.
When I am with him, I feel like I am riding between the trucks. He has this way of making me feel scared to drive ahead: like I am scared that I will be driven off the road. I get paranoid, and anxious, and a little crazy. I can’t help it – I wish I could. I wish I could just drive in the middle lane, and glide along at a decent pace, but as soon as I get near the two trucks I want to just speed up and get passed them – or more recently, just hit the brakes and get to a screeching halt. I can’t understand why I feel like this, all I do know is that this time – the fear and the paranoia have guided me to cause my own ‘accident’. This time – I am the one to blame for lying here right now hurt, and longing for one more. One more kiss, one more embrace, one more hello.
It is too late to go back and ignore this feeling I get: maybe it is for the better. Maybe it is my mind unconsciously saving me from a greater deal of hurt that might have come. I guess I won’t know though, the mistake has been made, and like most mistakes there is no going back and fixing it. So all I can do now is learn. I can learn to not let this ruin any future relationships. I can learn to listen to my heart, before I allow fear and paranoia take over my mind. I can learn to ride between the trucks: to trust, because after all, loving someone is giving them the ability to hurt you but trusting them not to.