Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Haunted Heart

I am lost. I don’t know what to say, my heart is feeling something that I don’t know if I can quite express. You see – I don’t exactly know what I am feeling. It is a dark, sad feeling. A little lonely, I guess. But my heart, it is not sadly yearning over someone, over him. I cant put a face to this feeling. It is empty: like a pointless promise, a haunted house. Maybe that is what my heart has become, an empty space haunted by memory of pain.

They are fine, all of them, but me – not so much. Even when I have no one to be sad over, my heart still cries. Not all the time – but at moments like this. When I am alone, and cold, and weak. Moments where I need someone to care, or to make everything better. But nothing is better, I have been left to suffer alone. I saw him today with her. It didn’t make me feel like this, I have felt like this all week. It just made me realise how inconsiderate his actions were. There he is, happily living his life after he so sincerely destroyed mine. Well I wouldn’t say he destroyed my life, he just tore it apart for a little while. I was weak, and I was so vulnerable after what he did to me, after how he tore my world apart. It took a very long time for me to heal: to overcome the pain. But he never felt it.

He tore my world apart without thinking twice about the consequences, and even worse, without being affected in any way. He was able to go on living his life the way he would, like any other day – while I was left on the sidewalk, alone and fragile. It amazes me, the amount of people that see someone in such a fragile state and take full advantage of it.

I saw him with her. Back again. It is where he belongs. I can see that now. You see, I thought it was possible that he was the one for me. I genuinely thought I could love him, like no other could. But I was wrong. He is not the one for me, and she loves him more than I ever could imagine. They belong together, even though it is a messed up situation. True love, it lasts through any of it. True love is more important than pride, than safely, than security, than loyalty, than trust. These are things she may never have with him, but she will always have true love.

I crave it: true love. I crave that feeling, of absolutely losing all control and just getting lost in the rollercoaster of it all. I want to feel totally out of control again, but so happy. I miss that. I miss yearning someone’s touch, kiss, and grasping onto each graze ever so lightly. I miss waiting for someone. I miss my heart beating considerably out of rhythm, going crazy, after a single glance. The element of surprise.

Will I ever feel that way again? I hope so. Will I ever love again? Who is to say I even did love. I’m not sure I know if it was love, what I felt. Maybe it was just an insane obsession. I would have done anything for him. I was so blind to the truth – I would have given up everything for him. Was I just stupidly obsessed, or a girl crazily in love? Maybe love doesn’t really exist – it is just an extreme obsession.

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